Harry Adam Knight

With apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan for the Major-General's Song, a version showing what H P Lovecraft might perhaps have made of it.  First appeared in Mike Meara's A Meara for Observers.

Cthulhu’s song

I am the very model of an ancient diabolical

My skin’s entirely scaly and unsullied by a follicle

With feelers that are squid-like and two claws that are prodigious

The Great Old Ones said kindly that I looked bizarre and hideous.

A cephalopodic beast with many arms that are tentacular

So when I rise from darkest depths it’s really quite spectacular.

My wings are rudimentary but I’ve put them far behind me

And after all these aeons you must take me as you find me.

In short, in matters fearsome that can make men alcoholical

I am the very model of an ancient diabolical.

*

With squid-like head and feelers that writhe round it extra-cranially

I’m seen as mindless evil but I torment men most brainily.

I know so many ways to put the terror in terrestial

As I menace men across the Earth with actions mostly bestial.

A protoplasmic mass described by many as gigantic

I learned that little horrifies like myths of men made frantic.

At Innsmouth and at Dunwich I have gorged on souls quite shamelessly

And made my loathsome presence felt at places known just namelessly.

I’m pleased to say I have appeared with quite some regularity

In tales depicting me and mine with utmost rugose clarity.

In short, in matters fearsome that can make men alcoholical

I give a good impression of an ancient diabolical.

*

I know that I’m expected to be awesome and insidious

So the Old Ones I don't doubt would find my actions most perfidious

In maintaining the idea that I’m an age-old cruel monstrosity

Acting gruesomely across all space with startling velocity.

But they don’t know the changes made since things were prehistorical

For mankind’s achieved some progress since aspiring to the coracle.

A lot are cynically inclined, with college education

Where laughing at a rotting corpse is called sophistication.

And I myself have found that being evil drains me mentally;

There’s much that’s more attractive in comporting myself gently.

In short, in matters fearsome that can make men alcoholical

The lifestyle choices mystify an ancient diabolical.

*

I’ve had to see some doctors to be treated psychiatrically

To help rebuild my confidence to torment most theatrically.

I’ve worked quite hard, if I may say, to foster my malevolence

But I’m still just a timid thing scared even by small elephants.

In gulfs remote in cosmic space I sleep with all the stars on

And can be made to shudder just by drawings from Glenn Larson.

If I could have a life coach who would help me be malicious

I’d learn from him instead of simply finding him delicious.

In short, in matters fearsome that can make men alcoholical

I find it very hard to be an ancient diabolical.

*

I like watching television that is mostly X Factorial

And sitcoms that I’m pleased to say have humour lavatorial.

Eastenders cheers me up no end with plots largely preposterous

And David Attenborough is fun when poking a rhinoceros.

But truth be told I like the best a cup of nice darjeeling

And then to bed and lengthy sleep - it’s really most appealing.

But when I wake I learn again and, really, quite upsettingly,

That many still react to me most dreadfully bed-wettingly.

Being seen as gross is just not nice nor being seen as fearful

It really makes my feelers droop and all my eyes most tearful.

In short, in matters fearsome that can make men alcoholical

I’m modern now, not any more a model diabolical.

Roy Kettle